Going Blind

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 02:41:35 GMT

oh yes. i bought a new scale. it measures in increments of 0.2. it was just the motivation i needed. there's something about seeing a 0.4lb weightloss that makes it easier to not eat. if i'd stepped on my old scale there would have been no difference and i would be depressed.

when i can actually see the numerical difference every day, it doesn't matter how long it takes.

all i've eaten today is one plum. roughly 30-50cals. if i get hungry later i'll have a salad.

i feel so good.

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 03:26:05 GMT

i know everyone asks diet pill questions, and it's boring, but...

since we can't buy ephedra anymore, can anyone recommend anything over the counter with some major pep?

i need energy, and caffeine isn't doing it for me. i'm majorly overfunctioning and it feels good.

xposted

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 06:16:40 GMT

starving myself like nuts again.... this isn't really a problem.

i'm sort of having a major relapse. i have been for a while, but mostly it was bingeing and purging constantly. i have finally found my self-control again and have been under 700 calories for the last two days.

that feels like soooo much. i remember the days when my calorie intake was 90cals or 200 cals... but i guess it's better than 1500cals... or more when i was bingeing.

300 or so cals for today all around 1pm.... i'm freaking hungry. but i keep delaying eating. maybe i can make it til tomorrow.

or maybe i'm being an idiot and should just eat something.

maybe i'll go find what the smallest calorie thing in my fridge is.

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 04:42:02 GMT

i think i'm going to buy a new scale tomorrow. one of those ones that measures into the decimals.

i gave my scale to my mom to keep at her and my step-dad's house a few months ago, but i want a scale again... but if i ask her for it back, she'll get mad because i'm supposed to be in recovery.

i'm also going to have to hide it from my boyfriend, because he'll flip out too.

basically, i budget my income... and i get $100 for groceries and smokes every week. the scale will be roughly $65 of my grocery money. which means i buy no food this week.

GOOD PLAN.

especially since i'm planning a fast until my boyfriend comes back and stays with me for a week. i dream of losing 5lbs by saturday (the day he arrives), but i don't think it will happen. a pound or two would be nice.

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 03:31:59 GMT

does anyone have any suggestions of where i can find good thinspiration wallpaper? :)

a place that offers 1024x768 or 1280x1024 would be great.

i've been working on recovery, but i've decided i'm still fat (134lbs from 230) and will keep going until i see 117. by then i should be a size 2-4. am a 6 now. tomorrow is day 1 of a liquid fast.

x-posted

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 18:33:51 GMT

Does anyone have any websites that list heights and weights and measurements of celebrities?

I've been having a lot of problems digging some up.

x-posted

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 18:31:23 GMT

Hurrah. As of Jan 1 I am 135lbs. Just a little further.

I kind of want my life back though. I want to have creative and meaningful thought again. All I ever seem to think about is food, calories, and how to burn calories.

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 06:07:44 GMT

worked out lots tonight... but i ate somewhat "normal" and only threw up once, so I have to work it off somehow.

300 cals worth of yogurt and granola and about 550 in lean cuisine meals... yuck. too many calories.

however, my abs feel great from the 75 situps and my arms burn from the lifting weights. i'm really hoping i can tighten up my tummy because the loose skin upsets me so.

i kind of wish i hadn't bought the new jeans, as I know I'm still losing weight. I can not WAIT to put on a pair of size 4 jeans. mmm... maybe i'll even make size 2.

fasting tomorrow (and hopefully into the new year), thanks to got2bslim on that one. all i will have tomorrow is water, sugar-free gum, diet pepsi... and then at the new year's party, rum and diet coke. (great low-cal alcoholic drink.)

hurrah. maybe i'll be 136 on saturday morning.

now.... i go for a jog before bed. need to burn off more calories.

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 05:35:11 GMT

I'm glad those before/after pics I posted helped you guys out some. I was looking at my huge fat thighs in the mirrored elevator at work today and I realised I had to keep going. The positive comments I received from posting them keeps me going. Thank you guys for keeping me inspired.

Holy shit, what a day full of bingeing and purging. Didn't eat all day, but when I got home... wow. B/P like there was no tomorrow. I'm fucking nuts.

I wish this would just go away.

Last night, my boyfriend asked me... if I could go back to being a size 16 just to make the eating disorder go away, would I? A legitimate question. He's been there for me when I start bawling my eyes out and begging him to make it all stop.

But... No, no I would not. I hate leaning over the toilet with puke splashing in my face, I hate the anxiety attacks I get around food. I hate how worried my mother is. I hate the whispers when I don't eat. I hate doing this to myself.... but I hate being fat even more. I hate how unhappy I was with myself.

I hate that I'm still unhappy with myself. I hate that I probably hate myself more now.

But I love the number on the scale going down. I love that I'm now in the bottom half of sizes at skinny girl stores. I love that everyone who hasn't seen me in a while fawns over me. I love being the center of attention. I love that they tell me I look like a movie star. I love their jaws dropping.

I love that maybe, just maybe, I could fade away to nothing.

Before/After pics of me

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 23:56:37 GMT

WARNING: These pictures do not include nudity (wearing undies), but they are not family/work appropriate.

Then again, you probably shouldn't be reading pro-ana communities in front of your family or at work in general.

Despite "recovery", my weight is still dropping. 137lbs yesterday. Size 4 at banana republic, size 6 at most other places. (Down from 230 and a size 16-18.) I'm guessing my weight is a lot of muscle at this point as I'm 5'4" and my size doesn't seem to match up with my weight. And fat fat fat inner thighs. If it's all fat it must be in my 34DD boobs and super fat thighs.

I'm pretty proud of myself. Still more weight to lose, though. Fatso. I guess I shouldn't call them "after" pics because this is far from over.

Hooray for anorexia.

People who don't know are starting to make comments and ask my mother if I'm anorexic. She has agreed to my wishes and told them "no".

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 06:26:15 GMT

There are good things about having been diagnosed and having some friends and family know. (It was hard to keep lying after I blacked out on the subway and an ambulance was called.)

At first, there was all this pressure to eat... then I told them what the pressure does to me and none of them talk about my eating anymore. I've been left alone to my own devices and I've been completely lying through recovery.

Well, not completely. I got "better" for a while. Was up to 800cals a day or so. But now I'm even better in my own mind and back on a fast. I'm SO close to my goals I can almost taste it. 12lbs away from my first long term goal.

My cousin and my gramma are coming out in a week, and I want to lose another 5lbs before then. It seems impossible to lose that, but I NEED to lose something. Throughout "recovery" I've only been losing a pound a week because my body is taking everything I eat and holding on tightly to it.

And today I'm back on track. My plan was to only fast for today, but with all my eating lately I didn't think I could make it through the whole day. Man, was I wrong. So I will try to continue the fast tomorrow.

I find that fasting only works for me if I don't give myself time frame. I just play the whole game of "If I still want food in an hour, I can eat" and I keep extending that hour after hour.

Sometimes, I feel so fat. I am so angry at myself for being 141lbs. It doesn't matter that this is the lowest I've been in over a decade. It doesn't matter that the weight is mostly muscle and I bought a pair of size 6 pants today.

All I can see in the mirror is that same obese cow.

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 04:48:34 GMT

Angry Anorexic
You're well aware of how stupid anorexia is, but
you don't give a shit. Developing the diasease
makes you feel like you're getting back at all
the stupid people who want you to be healthy.
You're feircely jealous of all those smaller
than you and hate yourself with a passion. You
often find yourself enjoying the pain that
comes with starving.

What Kind of Anorexic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 14:42:07 GMT

So yesterday I bought a pair of size 10s. They fit perfectly.

While this is not thin enough for me, I was truly amazed. I used to be a size 18. This is the smallest I've been since I was 13 years old. (I was normal/thin when I was 12 years old, then COE hit me and I packed on weight for 12 years)

Not only that, but I bought ultra-low-waist and there was no roll over the top. I've bought ultra-low-waist when I was a lot fatter and let's face it... big girls should just not weigh jeans that low. I needed an at-waist jean just so no one could see the rolls. (Although they could tell it was a big tummy.)

I tried them on and showed them to my mom when I stopped by her house afterword (we live 2 blocks apart) and her jaw dropped and she said, "You know, you look like a completely different person."

On Tuesday when I went clubbing with my friend, I ran out of my apartment building and she said, "God, you're getting so skinny! I didn't even recognize you when you came out. I saw a silhouette coming out and got impatient because I didn't know it was you"

Still a lot to go, though. I'd like to lose 20 more lbs by Christmas, but I don't think that's reasonable. My metabolism has slowed a lot and I'm only losing about 7.5 a month right now.

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 02:57:26 GMT

my extreme restriction went well. i lost 6 pounds since saturday. anything i've eaten, i've thrown up, except when they forced me to eat 300 calories on monday night and not throw it up. so i'm not calling it a fast.

in the end, i decided to tell my doctor the truth. she diagnosed me as having an anxiety disorder (not surprising, i was on anti-anxiety meds for years) causing anorexia.

i guess it's sick that i felt some small amount of pride at earning the anorexic label. i'm guessing in canada they don't go by the 85% scale for diagnosis? because i'm 154lbs (down from 230)... maybe starving yourself willingly is enough to have your doctor tell you you're anorexic.

so she's put me back on anti-anxiety meds, which is fine with me. BUT SHE WON'T MAKE ME EAT. i love her, i really do. her words were "i'm not going to make you eat yet... but please try and have a little bit of juice every day"

i think she thinks the meds will solve the anorexia, and it's possible, but i don't think she realises that the panic attacks i get around food weren't always there. the not-eating started before the anxiety. she said she wants to deal with my fucked up head and then deal with my anorexia.

and as suspected she wants me to find out how my extended medical at work covers counselling. which is fine too... i'll go. the few people who know about my ED will be happy that i'm getting counselling. that doesn't mean they can make me eat though!

no bloody way! food makes me fat.

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 02:01:17 GMT

Do any of you find you get bloated when you're fasting? I seriously think I'm bloated... or I'm completely delusional.

Sometimes I get so sick of hearing that I've lost weight. I'm still fat fat fat fat.

"Wow, you're like the incredible shrinking woman!"
"Hey there, slim!"
"You really are getting skinny."
"No cake again? I wish I had your strength."
"Look at you... you inspire me."

They're all LIARS. I'm FAT and they know it.

I'm so hungry but I have to keep going. Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor and I'm going to weigh myself on her scale and maybe I'll get a nice surprise. (The point in this fast.) Although they made me eat at my step-dad's birthday last night. 1oz roast pork, 1/4 cup mashed potatoes, 25 peas and 3 baby carrots. They would have made me eat more but I lied and said I had special K for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch. If I promised to eat dinner (even t hat little... or that much... I had to fight to keep it down because mom wouldn't let me leave until it was safely digested and she locked the bathroom so i wouldn't throw it up) they wouldn't make me eat cake. My body is craving the food though... my step-sister left all her icing and god how I wanted to just shovel it in my mouth. But I didn't. I win. No cake.

Bad part is that I'm going to the doctor because my mother is making me go about my eating disorder... which is weird because I'm an adult... I'm 25, live on my own, have a career, why is my mother making this decision for me?

I'm still trying to decide whether I should lie to my doctor or not. All she knows is that I'm going there about my "mental health". Maybe I'll just tell her I'm depressed. Then afterward I'll go over to my mom's house and weigh myself and see what the difference is between the doctor's scale and my scale. And I AM depressed. So I'll say to her, I'm still dieting, could we get an anti-depressant that doesn't have a side-effect of weight gain? Maybe even one that has a side effect of weight LOSS?

But maybe I shouldn't lie. She can't MAKE me eat. And she'll send me to some eating disorder shrink where I can talk all day about how proud I am about eating 200-400 calories a day and if I go over that I make myself nauseous and I stick my fingers down my throat. I won't have to hide it at the shrink. I can glow and be wonderful.

The funny part was that when I lied and told my mom I ate a sandwich, it wasn't the best lie. She said "YOU? ate a SANDWICH?" A few weeks ago I told her I don't eat sandwiches anymore because they're too many calories. WHOOPS. "Yeah, I've decided I need to eat more... so a sandwich it is." "I'm really glad to hear that, Kate."

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 01:31:17 GMT

beautiful... 130 cals so far today. my head is pounding, but at least my stomache has stopped growling.

i'm finding that i get tired so bloody easily these days. i'm wondering if that's not eating or if it's because we're heading into fall. doesn't matter either way.

i just want to be down one more size before pay day, but i don't think it's going to happen. i hate my life.

i hate it when you don't eat and go up a pound. how does that work? is my body trying to make me crazy??

i have to stop weighing myself.

low-cal gummy candies

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 02:05:58 GMT

i did it!! i broke my plateau. i went from 173 to 170 and then got stuck there for a good 2 weeks, so i ate a little more the last two days to kick-start my metabolism and i'm down to 168. god, i hate plateaus. i was getting so depressed and it took everything i had to not binge, but it was worth it. let's hope i can lose a few more pounds before i plateau again. i tend to plateau every 7 - 10 pounds.

in all reality my scale is 4 pounds heavy so those numbers should be 4 pounds less, and it's not morning, so i'm guessing it's a pound or two less than that (163). but I like to go with the bigger number because i want to SEE the scale say i'm X weight. so i'm sticking with the number being 168.

everyone is shocked that i weigh 168/163. when i was at 170 on my doctor's scale she was surprised, she made a weird face and said i looked more like 160. two days later when my mom went to see her they had a discussion about how fantastic i look.

i still see absolutely no difference though between 230 and 168. i stand in front of the mirror and it still says "fat".

oh well. now that my metabolism is back in gear, time to go down from 700cals again. it was so hard to force all that food down my throat.

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 00:45:44 GMT

so i've had 312 calories today... 300 or so yeesterday... under 250 on monday (YES!) and i'm not hungry, but i kind of want to eat more.

well truth be known i don't WANT to eat more, but i feel i should because i need to make sure i'm getting enough vitamins. so i was thinking maybe half a small tin of tuna because i've heard that the protein and fish is good for your hair.

i think that's the only part i'm afraid of with this. i don't want to lose any hair. my hair is the only thing i like about myself. it's long and gorgeous, although it's not nearly as shiny as it used to be... which means to me, time to either eat or take more vitamins.

i love that no one questions this though (aside from my friend at work).

when my mom saw my family doctor today, apparently she (my doctor) went on about how fabulous i look since i've lost weight.

hah. even my doctor doesn't get it. go me go!

edit: i know what i'll do. i'll eat that tuna and then i'll exercise it off. i'll still be getting all the vitamins and important stuff... but the calories will go away.

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 00:16:19 GMT

i had a conversation with my friend at work today that went like this:

her: "i'm going to be watching you, you know"
me: "what are you talking about?"
her: "how you don't eat"
me: "whatever, you've seen me eat!"
her: "whatever, little miss not-eating"

the conversation happened after i turned down candy that was going around the office and she offered me sunflower seeds and i said "ok, but only 1"

i thought my plan was going so well. see, she's always suspicious so i came up with a great plan. only eat at work and ask her out to lunch some times. this has worked well so far. she sees me eat my special k in the morning, my fruit for lunch, and some snack in the afternoon. sure, it all adds up to about 200 calories, and i generally don't eat at home, but she doesn't know that. this plan was supposed to work! i purposefully eat in front of her just so she'll stop asking questions! and it DID work for a while.

i guess i should have known the plan wasn't panning out when she said "aren't you going to eat lunch?", i said "i just ate a banana, you smelled it" and she said "that's ALL you're going to eat?"

problem is she's great friends with our boss so i'm afraid she'll take this to her. of course, they can't fire me for not eating (i'd sick the union on their asses), but i don't want to have this conversation with anyone about if or why i don't eat.

argh. why must friends be so nosy.

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 04:59:37 GMT

i feel like the less i eat, the more i actually cook.

tonight i made a low-fat chocolate mousse which i will never eat (i'm going to go give it to my mom tomorrow... we're going to watch Mean Girls together on dvd on my day off). last night i made some low-fat bran muffins (i eat 1/2 muffin a day... if that). and tonight i made gummy candies out of jell-o light (use less water... i'm going to eat them tomorrow during the movie... 36 calories for the whole lot!)

my fridge is full of food which i will never eat and it will just rot in there. i don't know why i buy so many groceries or cook so much. when i was 60lbs fatter i never cooked. now i just can't stop.

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 06:20:45 GMT

i'm having total scale withdrawl now. i constantly want to know how much i'm losing, if anything.

but it's good not having a scale, it's keeping me motivated in fear of "what if i step on the scale on saturday and it hasn't moved". less food less food.

actually the last three days have been shitty.

just under 500 cals for monday, just under 1000 for tuesday, and just under 500 for today. but i walked a lot today and lifted weights so i'm alright.

i'm hoping for three pounds on saturday.. but who knows.

also, i think it is ridiculous that i can not see any weight loss yet all my old clothes fall off. and i am beginning to be so envious of everyone who can see i've lost weight. i told my mom tonight i notice no difference and she pointed at the gortex jacket i was wearing.

"do you remember how you couldn't get that done up? and look now, you're SWIMMING in it."

which is true. but i take off my clothes and stand in front of a mirror and nothing. i'm still just as fat as 60lbs ago. oh well, maybe i'll see it later on in weight loss. no giving up now. she also said, "i don't remember the last time you were this thin"... and i want the world to see me even thinner.

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 05:22:44 GMT

so my mom's boyfriend asks me tonight how much more weight i'm going to lose. i didn't know what to say to that. "well ideally i'd like to be 105 and underweight."

yeah right.

so i just said, "i dunno yet... my first goal is like 2 pounds away, so i'm going to set a new goal and see if i can get there."

it's funny, i give them my scale... and now he compulsively weighs himself like i did. he was shocked when he stepped on the scale and found out he was over 20 pounds above what he thought he was.

poor guy! thought he weighed less than me, and ends up he weighs much more! (although that makes me happy about my own progress.)

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 04:47:04 GMT

i gave my scale to my mom today. it depresses me too much to see it at the same number over and over. i hate plateaus. so i left my apartment and took it to her house, along with all my fat clothes. now i have no excuse to get fat again, as i'll have no clothes.

but in giving away the scale, it means i can't weigh myself 3 times a day anymore...which is fine. it also leaves me more motiivated as i'll be more looking forward to a surprise once a week when i weigh myself. i'm not going to lose weight in a few hours so i don't know what i expect compulsively weighing myself all the time.

i also bought the skinniest clothes i've worn in 7 years today. that was good, although i still have a long way to go.

i also bought mouthwash, as i know that brushing after you purge will just rot your teeth even more... pressing all that stomache acid into your teeth with the tooth brush.

honestly, i wish i had more control to just stop eating. i'm pretty good i guess, but i've been binging the last two days and i don't know why. that's when the ability to purge comes in handy.

i think my ease at making myself throw up comes from when i used to drink a lot... i'd get queasy, so i'd shove my fingers down my throat and then i was good to drink for a few more hours.

i need to remind myself to take my vitamins more often. i don't want my hair to fall out, and i want to keep getting the vitamins i need.

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 01:18:30 GMT

if you're going to binge and purge, my recommendation is those bbq soy chips. you can get them made by several brands, quaker or gensoy are good ones.

anyway, they taste great going down, they don't taste too nasty when they come out in reverse, and they come out REAL easy. they were the easiest purge i've had in a while.

also, you don't have to feel guilty for what you can't get out of your stomache when you vomit, because they're very low-fat and low-cal. (although i always feel guilty anyway.)

i just thought i'd share since i just threw them up and it wasn't really a terribly unpleasant experience.

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 19:44:55 GMT

so, my doctor ordered me to stay home from work for a couple days because of my IBS. this is both good and bad. good, because i don't have to participate in the staff picnic and eat in the pot-luck to be polite... and bad because it means i will be extremely unactive today.

therefore, i have decided that today will be an exercise day. i will do my pilates tape 2 or 3 times.

i had a little binge last night, i guess because i hadn't eaten for 3 days... but it was all on low-cal things so i don't feel particularly guitly. i had 4 mini-pitas (132 cal total) and a few cucumbers and one vegetarian "chicken" burger which is like 150 cal max. today i had my bowl of special k for breakfast, which always allows me to not eat for the rest of the day. plus i heard that it boosts your metabolism to eat in the morning.

anyway, yes! exercise time.